If you want a queen, be a king first

Photo by Lance Matthew Pahang on Unsplash

If you yearn for true love, perhaps we need to change our focus first.

Many of us yearn for authentic and loving relationships, for true love. Many, like myself, have been hurt in past relationships and may have been seeking new partners but without success.

After some time in the search, and perhaps after several dates that have not gone as expected, some of you may have decided that the other parties are too shallow, that there was misunderstanding and that you are condemned to live out the rest of your days on this earth alone, unloved and without even a lasting and loving companionship.

I can relate to the above circumstances. But perhaps we have been looking at the entire relationship issue from the wrong perspectives.

I ammnot saying that the above scenarios are false, they may be true indeed. But if you examine yourself carefully and do the right amount of introspection, you will realise that the above scenario is largely beyond your control, save for unless you actually do have some bad habits or behaviours that turn people off. In that case, you need to work on your behaviour first.

Which brings me to the crux of my message. Many of us yearn for the right partner, and may even have detailed check lists of the qualities Mr or Miss/Ms Right should have. Nothing wrong with that at all.

But wait and think for a moment. Do you or I even have the right to request those qualities when they are not evident in our own lives?

Like the reflections of ourselves in the mirror, we attract or repel others according to what we show and attract to ourselves. If we show positive and encouraging behavioural traits and patterns, we attract people who show those same qualities. And if we believe in an attitude of Winner Takes All, little wonder that our relationships and friendships may eventually look shallow and without depth and purpose.

If we want to attract the right One for our lives, we must make sure that we are living according to those same principles we hold dear. As Gandhi said, we must be the change that we want to see in the world. Or run the risk of being called out as a hypocrite.

Each of us has our own list of attributes to follow but I hope that these attributes will always be part of that list.

Be self-aware

Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living. So do not be satisfied with status quo. Daily, commit to examining your behaviour — was there any unkind word said? Was there any wrong action done? Do not dwell too much on those acts if you find out about them, but instead move on to the next action.

Take decisive action

Be decisive about what is right and take steps to make amends for any wrong done to anyone. This can be very hard and may even be embarassing but you will feel so much better at the end for doing it. An apology is a good step in the right direction but it is also important to make amends for the wrong action so as to make things right again where possible. This step is often ignored and may explain why may strained relationships are seldom fully reconciled.

Review your inner thoughts

If you have been hurt and faced emotional, physical or mental trauma in your past, it is understandable to adhere to courses of action or behaviour that will help protect you from ever being hurt in those ways again. These actions eventually morph into ‘tapes’ that play in our subconscious. Some of these ‘tapes’ may even be self-sabotaging, such as thinking “I am not good enough to be loved”, “Nobody wants someone like me”, or “I am damaged goods, not good enough anymore”.

If you have been playing these ‘tapes’ in your head, now is the time to stop playing them and replace the mix with a more positive and encouraging one. All of us are fearfully and wonderfully made and all of us are worthy in God’s eyes so remove such self-destructive thoughts and replace them with edifying ones. When you change your inner thoughts, your outer self will slowly but surely reflect that change and you will come out the better for it.

Set high standards

Author and social commentator Haruki Murakami said it right when he said that we will only think what the world thinks if we just read what the rest of the world reads. If we want to attract a soulmate who shares our dreams, then we must examine what our own lives are like.

Do you read deeply? Do you engage in fulfilling conversation, even those that challenge your beliefs? How do you feel about challenging your own beliefs? Are you willing to admit that you are also part of the problem, instead of part of the solution? The world largely wants us to be part of the herd, the lowest common denominator. Instead, be the highest common factor, the arrow that points the way where no way existed before. Kings must set themselves apart as examples to be followed.

Let go of toxic emotions

We are not immune to disappointments and failures in life. Friends, even old and dear ones, will let us down. Family members may fail to be there for us. People we love and care about may not reciprocate our love or worse, reject us and have nothing to do with us.

Under such circumstances, it is easy to be bitter instead of resolving to be better. But resentment, and lack of forgiveness, only affects the victim and not the perpetrator. And bitterness builds a prison for the victim, while the other party often goes free and unaffected.

No, seek to forgive and release your resentment to the winds and let God and the Divine vindicate you instead. The perpetrator may seek forgiveness and resolution but even if that never happens, rest in the assurance that the right thing has been done and be at peace.

By doing this, you show the ultimate kingly quality, that of self-control. If you cannot givern your heart or self-will, how can you govern another’s will or the will of your family?

There is more to share, but I hope that this list will help you navigate your life and love. While it cannot be guaranteed to win you a soulmate or life partner, these qualities will ensure that you are held up as an example to follow, and tjat is the ultimate life lesson. Take care and may the Right Path follow you always!

Loves storytelling in all its forms, from books to movies to videos and all else. Life is a story and I want to fill each chapter with life or lives well lived

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